That question and other similar comments have been incredibly common this past year - at the park, the grocery, at the bank.  Ever since our family was featured on ABC’s “Wife Swap,” everyone in town seems to recognize us, which can be very interesting.  Most of the time, people are incredibly kind and curious. It’s nothing for us to spend an extra 45 minutes [or more!] in a store we just dropped into for an item or two, talking about the show to a friendly stranger.

One aspect that isn’t nearly as enjoyable is the idea of being KNOWN to strangers.  Strangers who often refuse to consider the difference between fiction and reality where reality TV is concerned.  “But I saw it on TV,” is a common response.  It becomes tiring to explain how not everything was how it appeared.  It becomes tiring to explain, “I did say that, but not in the conversation you think.”  It’s tiring to explain our parenting choices.

Throughout the month, I’ll walk you through my side of the swap. I’ve asked Eric and the kids to offer up their narratives as well. Friends may guest post.

Post your questions and we’ll answer what we can.

~sheila

I recommend you head down there

When other adults question us allowing our children to be exposed to a goth lifestyle [and they do], we know we don’t share their worries.

That [parents of goths will probably end up boasting about their son/daughter the doctor, lawyer or bank manager] is the surprising finding of Sussex University’s Dunja Brill, whose doctorate in media and cultural studies looked at people with funny hair and eyeliner in London, Brighton and Cologne, and who is herself a former goth.

“Most youth subcultures encourage people to drop out of school and do illegal things,” she says. “Most goths are well educated, however. They hardly ever drop out and are often the best pupils. The subculture encourages interest in classical education, especially the arts. I’d say goths are more likely to make careers in web design, computer programming … even journalism.”

Actually, having been part of the gothic culture for over 15 years [I was exposed to, but not immersed, before that time], I don’t think these findings should be surprising at all.  Most of the younger goths I’ve encountered have been the intellectuals of their time, discussing classic literature and foreign film the way others their age discuss Family Guy or the latest Angelina Jolie movie – not that we never enjoy these things, of course; we’re all individuals with individual likes and dislikes.  Even I enjoy the latest offerings of reality TV while reading Oscar Wilde or Ernest Hemingway. 

Jordan, a great student; despite his gothic upbringing or because of it?

Speaking with other Goth parents, I’m reassured that our kids aren’t the only good students sprouting from the dark soil of our culture.  I suspect it has almost as much to do with the philosophy of parenting as with the natural abilities of the kids.

Our friend David commented on our Facebook wall:

We expect [our daughter] to do well in school so that someday she can get into college and have a career. But, as I explained to her, that is so she can support herself and we don’t care what that career may be (although she is leaning toward engineering). We show both by words and actions that character, truthfulness, honor and being true to yourself are the most important things. Some people are obcessed with $ and I wonder how many today are training their daughters to marry a doctor or lawyer.

I hope we can agree that the happiness of an individual should define success more than the pricetag on their home or cars.

~sheila 

 As Scarlett O’Hara said, “Tomorrow is another day,” and well, here it is.    

Welcome back to our home. While last week, we showed you the initial entry way to our home, this week we will journey down ‘the hall’ to the kids’ rooms. Next week, Eric’s and my bedroom will be featured.    

Follow me down the hall to see where the gothlings dwell.

It is incredibly difficult to take good photos of the side wall in a narrow hallway when there is no opposing door to step into.  As you turn into the hall [to the right from the front entry] with your back to the cross and baby photo display, on your right is a trio of paintings that we quite love. We’re able to see them from the living room where we spend a lot of time.     

some of our favorite smaller paintings

Across the hall from the painting trio is a closet where we keep our more basic shelved needs.  Extra cold meds, bandages, sheets, and a few games. We are working on better organization to get the games out of there and into an area where we’ll use them more often. Next to the closet is a “den” which lately has become a storage room for items that just don’t fit anywhere else.  Extra school supplies, old magazines, books we’ve not thought about reading in a long time… You know, that stuff.      

Between the two doors is a wall panel with a small Day of the Dead painting as well as a heart shaped painting by Misty Benson.    

Day of the Dead meets Skelly Cats

 Next to the door to the den is the entry to the boys’ room.  On the wall panel between, we have a gorgeous shelf unit featureing another Living Dead Doll and a medal from the Women’s Relief Corps, dated 1883.     

Living Dead Doll with Civil War Medal

Close-up view of a Civil War Medal and the "pet" spider who has made her home on top.

 The boys’ room is next. They’ve asked for minimal photographs to be posted, so I just peeked in.  [I must admit, I was overjoyed with how clean it was. What mother would complain about the remote being the only thing on the floor?]   

A peek inside the boys' room

 On the length of hall across from the door to the boys’ room, we’ve showcased some family photos.  Why waste such a great wall?  

A wall of family history

 A smaller wall between the boys’ and girls’ rooms showcases a painting depicting Eve. 

Eve with her shiny apple

 The final stop on today’s tour is the girls’ room. Unlike their brothers, they are very excited to show it off.

They’ve decorated their door with Bella Morte and Teddy Scaresposters, as well as some artwork done by both Ravynn and Whisper and a Witch sign.  Of course, there is the required Hello Kitty door hanger.

The door to the girls' room

 Whisper’s bed on the left holds pillows and stuffies that are very special to her. A vintage ballerina painting and ballet shoes are favorites.

Whisper's space with special stuffies and pillows - one she got from my father.

 Also on the shelf over her bed are three sweet little ballerinas.

Whisper's ballerinas with a Nightmare Before Christmas toy peeking through.

Ravynn’s bed has even more pillows and stuffies. She also has a painting of a wee faerie hiding in a forest of mushrooms over her bed.

Ravynn's space

A closeup of one of Ravynn’s favorite stuffies. She took this photo to show off the bear she posed with in one of her first Bats! meow… photo shoots.

The bear I promised Ravynn would show up in the tour images.

A shelf near the foot of Ravynn’s bed holds more ballerinas, faeries, and Hello Kitty.  It really is a very girlie place.

Ravynn's shelf with so much girlie stuff

A shelf next to the door holds more dolls standing in front of an Ayria poster. Whisper was proud of this photo she snapped.

Porcelain dolls keep watch next to the door

And finally, Grandmother Spider keeps hold of their dreams as they sleep.  She hangs from the light in the middle of the ceiling in the middle of a ribbon web.

A very large dream catcher

Sitting with the kids tonight, I asked them what they think makes a successful adult.  Ravynn stated “someone who is polite and speaks nicely to people,” while Whisper’s definition was “someone who is loving and kind.”  I was pleased that they are absorbing what I want to teach them and hope we continue along this road together. 

This advice from Thoreau sums up many of my hopes:

Each second we live is a new and unique moment of the universe, a moment that will never be again  And what do we teach our children? We teach them that two and two make four, and that Paris is the capital of France. When will we also teach them what they are?

We should say to each of them: Do you know what you are? You are a marvel. You are unique. In all the years that have passed, there has never been another child like you. Your legs, your arms, your clever fingers, the way you move. You may become a Shakespeare, a Michelangelo, a Beethoven. You have the capacity for anything.

If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.

- Henry David Thoreau

I sit now, wondering how to teach someone WHAT THEY ARE.  Not easy, but I’m committed. At least to leading them to the path of discovery and allowing them to find the truth for themselves.

I hope to see more parents with the same concerns.

~sheila

Recently, Jordan brought home a paper of anti-Goth paraphernalia he found at school, taped to the bottom of a desk.  “How to Tell if Your Teen is Goth“.  As it turns out, we’re all goth. As are most of our neighbors and friends.  The list cannot be taken seriously, but it does end with the warning:

If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene immediately. The gothic culture is dangerous and Satan thrives within it. If any of these problems persist, enlist your child into your local mental health center.

A mental health center?  Insane advice, really. I wish it was the first time I’d heard it.

Not long after we openned Bats! meow…, we were contacted by a hate group: God Hates Goths. We initially tried to have civil conversations with the group members and their leader, intending to explain our belief structure and our philosophy on raising children.  As it turns out, they had no similar interests and most conversations resulted in name calling and more hateful lies.  I was redirected back to the site tonight as I did a Google search for the text of the paper Jordan found so I could provide you a link.  RG [as the leader identified himself] upped his advice and has published a new page, “De-Gothing Your Child.”  I caution you from the link as several of the methods suggested are nothing short of torture. 

Way back when, we were hit from every side, it seemed, with advice from strangers on how to be better parents. It seemed to focus on a change in wardrobe, hair, and makeup, as if wearing the ‘costume’ of a normal person would improve our skills.  This past week, searching for information has yielded few results. Either the world has become more accepting of freaks [and I do use the term lovingly] or the fad of reforming us has passed.  Either way, it’s okay by me.

I did find some links that may be of interest to you, though:

.:. An Article On Gothic Parenting, which warns that raising children to look ‘like us’ will create misfits and outcasts.  I understand his concerns, but I cannot agree. I’ve raised little goth children and have well-rounded popular kids.

.:. Gothic Liturgy, tells the story of a Christian Church catering to the dark clad youth in their community.  I wish I lived closer. I’d check it out.

.:. The Goth Mom, another blog run by another Goth Mama.  I’ll be checking in there regularly.

All parents don’t need to be identical, just as all children aren’t. The key is finding the mix that works for you.  We’ve found it.  Yes, it involves skulls and gargoyles, bats and spiders. We also end up with stuffed hippos and pink ballet bags, Black Eyed Peas CDs and Adam Sandler movies.  But that’s okay.  We’re happy and not afraid to tell our kids that we love them.

Hug your monsters. Everyday.  That matters more than the width of your eyeliner

~sheila

Naughty, Sheila.

For the next several weeks, I will invite you [each Sunday] to explore a new area of the house.  This will give me time to photograph each part adequately, but will also save you from sifting through a dozen photos in each sitting.  That does get old and, depending on your internet connection, could become really tedious.

PART 1: Welcome to the Schroeders

Friends at the front door welcome guests. Come on in.

After entering, you wait in our entry area. It’s mostly a short hallway. On the right side of the hall are two coat closets with a shelved cubby area between. On the left is a half bath and an entry to the kitchen.

The cubby area tends to be an area of special interest for family and friends.  It’s difficult to get a photo of it because of the width of the hallway.

The Cubby

 Shelf by shelf. 

The top shelf holds several of our Living Dead Dolls, large and small versions.

The top shelf

 The second shelf holds a few gargoyles, small ‘action figures’ from some of our favorite horror movies, a basket made by a friend of ours, and a Day of the Dead style candle holder.

The second shelf

 The third shelf holds some skulls [I wish I knew what they were from], candles, bottles, religious statuary [a cross and Confucius]

The third shelf

 The bottom shelf is also hard to photograph.  Each picture makes it look cluttered, but it’s not so much.  It holds more of our Living Dead Dolls, a cauldron, two smaller cauldrons/insense burners, candles, Ganesh, and items from our family Mabon ritual.

The bottom shelf, view 1

 An alternate view shows more of the Mabon items and candles.

The bottom shelf, view 2

 Wall by wall.

Directly across from the cubby hangs a print by the lovely NeNe Thomas, framed by two wrought iron wall sconces we’ve had for ages.

“]

Wall space, between the bathroom and the kitchen [angled toward the front door

“]

Wall space, between the kitchen and the living room [taken from the hall leading to the bedrooms

~sheila

Our family isn’t typical…

My boys dance.  Eric guest performs. Jordan studied for 7 years. Alek still does. Most recently, he appeared as Harlequin in our local production of the Nutcracker.  He’s very talented and we’re very proud of him. They began dancing when they were 4 and have worked hard at one of the best studios in the Midwest.  When Ravynn turned 4, the boys came to me concerned. She wanted to take ballet, too, but they worried that it was only for boys [never mind that their classes had always been full of girls].  They were incredibly pleased when we bought a tiny pair of pink ballet shoes.  It wasn’t until a minor incident in 4th grade when they felt the bullying effects of being different.  A very kind teacher explained what exactly was the problem with the phrase ‘ballerina boy’ and it mostly ended. There are still comments flung around, but Alek who’s 12 and in 7th grade is strong and ignores them. 

Our family is goth.  Locally, we’re semi-famous for it, but you may have noticed from other comments or photos or even the About page associated with this blog.  Eric and I embrace being different, but each of the kids have at points heard rumors or fielded snotty comments based on how we look or dress.  It’s a great opportunity to talk to them about stereotypes and prejudice and about not having to conform to make other people happy.  For the most part they get it, but I understand [having been a 10 year old girl once upon a time] that there is still a sting involved.  I hate that.  At the same time they love when their friends think we’re cool because of the way we dress or the music we listen to.  I kinda like being famous at the elementary school, but not to the detriment of my kids.

When I read news stories about bullied kids or hear about it from fellow moms, my heart aches.  No child should have an unhappy childhood.  I mean there are some situations that cannot be avoided and the pain of them cannot be minimized, but… if the pain is caused by other kids or adults being hateful and unaccepting.  Well, the simple fact is that should be easy to change.

Several weeks ago, a Facebook post brought my attention to the blog, Portrait of an Adoption. Young Katie was being teased for wanting to carry a Star Wars water bottle to school.  Three cheers for social networking.  Geek Girls came out in force to support Katie. As I understand, Geeks, Nerds, and Dorks all came out to support her and give her strength.  I think this is awesome!  It’s what I’ve tried to teach my own kids.  Differences should be Celebrated. Sometimes they are, as with Katie’s situation.

Checking on Portrait of an Adoption, I read the story of author Cheryl Kilodavis and her book My Princess Boy. Her website explains it as:

My Princess Boy is a nonfiction picture book about acceptance. It tells the tale of a 4-year-old boy who happily expresses his authentic self by enjoying “traditional girl” things like jewelry, sparkles or anything pink. It is designed to start and continue a dialogue about unconditional friendship and teaches children — and adults — how to accept and support children for who they are and how they wish to look.

The response she is getting isn’t near as positive as Katie’s mother found for her.  Now, it isn’t all negative and maybe I”m experiencing emotional reactions to the negative comments that I do see.  I’ve been in the same place. People have, over the years, explained to me that it’s not ‘normal’ for boys to study dance or to have long hair [Eric does and Alek did until he cut and donated it in the summer of 2009]; I’ve been told that it’s not normal for them to do these things because society believes them to be ‘for girls’.  Somehow along the line it became acceptable for girls to want to do ‘boy things’, yet not for boys to want to do ‘girl things’.  I suggest we let kids do kid things and leave it at that.

I’ve fought the good fight for my kids. Cheryl is fighting for hers.

I encourage you to honor acceptance for everyone and embrace diversity in your own life today.

The girls and I had seen an owl demo at the PowWow last October, but we were still excited to see this tiny creature [Alek had called it a baby].  When we arrived at the neighbors yard, Alek pointed and smiled.  It took the rest of us a while to find the wee thing – Bravo to its cloaking skills! 

Wow. 

It’s all I could say.  Jordan asked why I was so amazed and I laughed.  Why wouldn’t I be?? 

• I expect owls to come out at night, yet it was day.
• I expect owls to dislike the cold, yet here it is the middle of winter.
• I expect owls in the wilderness, yet we were in town.

So much joy from the unexpected.  Even being someone who loathes surprises of any nature, this was a wonderful bright spot in the day and left us wishing for a new surprise tomorrow. The potential impact was not unnoticed.  Mentally, I wagged a finger at myself.

We could all benefit much from delivering the unexpected. Most of us, I believe, settle into the ‘normal’ and the comfortable in many areas of our life.  Family friends, business… emotional, physical, mental.  The forces around us urge movement and perhaps even chaos, but we resist, wishing to be rocked like infants into a comfortable state. 

We must work towards new ‘unbelievable’ events by surprising our relationships in a new way.    We must. The owl has decreed it.

What unexpected things can you bring to your own life to better yourself, your loved ones, or even strangers you come in contact with?  I’m putting this into practice beginning immediately – focusing on Bats! meow… and on my intimate family relationships.

I urge you to look for your own owls.

~sheila

After we’d celebrated Yule in December and anticipated the days growing longer and after we’d gone to the grocery on Saturday in long sleeved shirts instead of winter coats, I was completely unprepared for how cold and dark it was at 7:30AM when the girls stepped out to wait for their buses.  I think I should have taken coffee with me.  I should have also taken coffee with me when Eric and I trekked across town on foot [really, it was only a few blocks] for a scheduled 9:00AM appointment in the courthouse only to find a note posted informing us that the courthouse is closed for observance of the NY holiday.

Grumble.

At least I had this gorgeous face waiting outside with me.

The cold walk back to the car instead of sitting down in a nice warm office got me thinking about yesterday’s post, though.  The ‘roll with the punches’ aspect of acclimating to the change around me.  As a DM, I’m responsible for many of them, but sometimes a player with throw a weird decision my way or a random question will throw me into a tangent of new creative options to test the players. 

Today, in the cold, I wondered about new creative options to test me.

We all become lazy and comfortable in the roles we build for ourselves: wife, mother, sister, friend, business owner. And shouldn’t we all want to be the best of them that we can?  Maybe we all need a random dice roll to move us in another direction?

I think I’ll try it.

~sheila